Welcome to the fourth edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Ah, the international break, a time for club fans with no interest in their national teams to kick back, relax and enjoy a couple of weeks of serenity.
If you’re an Arsenal fan, for example, it was surely a moment of peace, tranquillity and calm reflection after a solid start to the season, what with an eagerly awaited north London derby to come against Tottenham Hotspur this weekend.
What you’d want to avoid is the kind of hysterical melodrama and extreme emotions that are in no way associated with Arsenal fans on social media.
For example, you wouldn’t be digging up clips of a referee who retired 17 years ago contradicting himself with opinions on Declan Rice’s red card and using it as the basis of utterly unfounded claims about Premier League corruption.
If Bukayo Saka started both England games, you’d completely understand the need for new manager Lee Carsley to put his best players on the field to generate a new team dynamic before qualification for the World Cup.
If Mikel Arteta signed a contract extension, you wouldn’t get too excited because even though he has a lovely new deal, Arteta could still theoretically be poached. Plus, the guy hasn’t even won anything for a while.
And if Martin Odegaard picks up an injury on international duty with Norway, you don’t panic because you know injuries are part and parcel of football and you have the squad to cope with his absence.
Never change, Arsenal fans. Never change.
Cristiano Ronaldo had a good international break, scoring the decisive goal for Portugal in a 2-1 victory over Croatia and then a late winner against Scotland. He’s still got it (in qualifiers).
It looks like the man who scored no goals in 486 minutes at the Euros because his manager seemed too afraid to substitute him is still going to be around for the 2026 World Cup. Imagine if he and Portugal won it. It would be the ultimate crowning achievement for one of the most glittering careers in the history of football.
He’s honestly 100 per cent not bothered though, as he revealed last week in a statement that definitely has absolutely nothing to do with being overwhelmingly jealous of Lionel Messi winning it in 2022.
“Portugal winning Euros is equivalent to winning a World Cup,” Ronaldo claimed, effectively proclaiming Greece as 2004 world champions in the process. “I’ve already won two trophies for Portugal that I really wanted. I’m not motivated by that.”
Didn’t want to win it anyway. Next!
Ronaldo had a pop at Manchester United in the latest instalment of his interview with Rio Ferdinand, released yesterday.
The Portugal forward was seen by some as being part of the problem at Old Trafford, indicative of a broken culture that prioritised short-term style over long-term substance.
Is that how he sees it, too?
“I was one of the best scorers, I did unbelievable things with the club. My first season, aged 37, I was the third-best scorer of the league, in the (Champions League) group stage I scored every game. I did amazing.”
Maybe not.
It was often said that Gareth Southgate got too much of an easy ride from the media as England manager.
Well, if that’s true, don’t expect Carsley to be afforded the same treatment. Why? Because he’s underqualified? Because he might not be the manager capable of leading England to World Cup victory?
No, because he didn’t want to sing a little song, duh!
This was a depressingly hysterical attack from certain sections of the media, who so often scream and yell for freedom of speech but in this case, wouldn’t allow a very nice man his personal choice of not singing a dreary ditty about the monarchy and religion.
For the Irish anthem, the country’s president, Michael D Higgins, team manager Heimir Hallgrimsson and experienced players Seamus Coleman and Matt Doherty didn’t appear to be singing either. And the Republic of Ireland’s fans booed the English anthem ferociously. But no one really said anything about those things. Why? Because it’s just not important.
However, if you thought this performative furore was bad, wait until November when England host the Republic of Ireland at Wembley a few days after Armistice Day.
One prominent national sports radio station was already hyping up the inevitable ‘poppy gate’ uproar this week, with a presenter questioning whether Carsley would wear a poppy, having also suggested that he would have already been sacked as England manager in previous media eras of ‘big beast’ journalists. Sigh.
Anyway, if like Row Z you find the whole thing absolutely absurd, maybe book a holiday that week.
Back to domestic matters now and, after Row Z previously brought you news of Manchester City and Crystal Palace unveiling their new partners in yoghurts and air ventilation respectively, it’s been a huge week for Official Club Partnerships With Unnecessary Capital Letters.
Arsenal have unveiled an Official Digital Transformation Partner (yes, their caps, not ours) by the name of NTT Data Inc, Wolves have got an Official Korean Streaming Platform Partner called Kocowa, and Brentford announced a corker at the end of last mont as Zing became their brand new Official International Payments and Remittance Partner. Honestly, all of these are real.
Manchester United tweeted about contract extension news for their partnership with DHL (limited caps, well done).
And Chelsea, the gift that keeps on giving, announced that tyre manufacturer Linglong Tire had become the club’s official global tyre partner.
Linglong Tire, the club said, join on a multi-year deal. We’re thinking… eight-year contract with costs spread for amortisation reasons? Textbook.
A tyre partner, eh? In the week the wheels fell off at Stamford Bridge, nothing felt more appropriate.
Whoever thought bright purple and orange (officially gold) would make a pleasing colour combination? Absolutely no one. Except Wolves, whose new third kit is, to be fair to them, completely unforgettable.
The 2024/25 third kit unleashes the Wolves fearless spirit.
Available online now 👇
— Wolves (@Wolves) September 12, 2024
It is now tradition for clubs and manufacturers to write some corporate spiel to accompany a kit launch and this particular blurb is pretty special.
Not only is the shirt “more than a shirt”, it also represents the club’s “fearless attitude and relentless pursuit of victory”. No mention of their recent record of one win in 14 league games.
The colour scheme is described as “striking” and will have fans who wear it “commanding attention at any away ground”. OK, that we can completely agree with.
To non-League now and a strong early contender for red card of the season.
During a stoppage in play, Folkestone Invicta striker Tom Derry unwittingly found himself as the piggy in the middle between two opposition players and, well…
Piggy in the middle shithousery pic.twitter.com/yjhh7Kykjz
— 𝘽𝙀𝙉 (@benrobinson770) September 7, 2024
Arsene Wenger’s influence on English football lives on; Invicta manager Andy Drury was asked for his post-match reaction and said: “I’ll have to look at it back, I didn’t see it.”
But Folkestone Invicta’s X account comprehensively topped their manager in the playing-it-down stakes.
75’| Tom Derry has been dismissed for an altercation with the goalkeeper
FIFC 0-2 BTFC
— Folkestone Invicta (@FIFC) September 7, 2024
We end in Turkey, where English midfielder John Lundstram recently moved with new club Trabzonspor.
How are things going after eight appearances? Well, according to leaked private comments from Trabzonspor technical director Senol Gomes, Lundstram might be enjoying his new life a little too much.
“I cannot understand the Lundstram transfer,” he is reported to have said. “We have several players with the same characteristics. Lundstram is a very heavy and cumbersome football player.
“There is nothing we can do at the moment, but if there is an opportunity to send him to another team, it would be good for both Lundstram and us.”
(Top photo: Adrian Dennis/AFP via Getty Images)
