Welcome to the 10th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the sport we all love…
Which promoted club has been the finest addition to the Premier League in the past decade or so?
Wolverhampton Wanderers or Leeds United with their exotic managers and refreshing brands of football? Stoke City, who gave us long throws and a no-nonsense cap-wearing manager?
No, the correct answer is Nottingham Forest. And it’s not even close.
In a tad over two years, they have gifted us the following…
- Underwent a crackpot transfer window of 22 new signings, absolutely none of whom appeared in the starting XI of their most recent match
- Hired Gladiators star Mark Clattenburg to dig out his old colleagues and criticise them in public, which the PGMOL really appreciated
- Signed eight senior goalkeepers since 2022 despite archaic FIFA rules dictating only one can be on the field at any given moment
- Fired off a madcap tweet from the club’s official account implying that VAR Stuart Attwell was biased, leading to a £750,000 fine
- Never deleted said tweet
- Had their star player, manager and owner all banned from Monday’s game against Crystal Palace and still won
Spit-gate is the latest and finest addition to the Forest canon.
To summarise an incident that generated a 4,486-word report, an independent commission judged that Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis deliberately spat on the floor as referee Josh Smith walked past him after the recent 1-0 home defeat to Fulham.
Part of Marinakis’ defence (and incredulously he didn’t use the open-goal excuse that he was doing an impression of the Hawk Tuah girl) was that he smokes up to three cigars a day and often needs to spit or cough.
“If he has to spit, he spits in a tissue if one is available or on the floor if he does not have one available,” Marinakis’ signed-off statement read.
I’m sorry, what? The bloke liberally spits on the floor if he doesn’t have a tissue? One can only imagine the heinous, gloop-filled state of the floor of his office. You have to pity the cleaners whose job it is to mop up generous helpings of cigar-induced phlegm on a daily basis.
If you were Marinakis’ mate, the only thing you’d dread more than standing next to him in a urinal would be an invite to the sauna. “So we’d be sat next to each other barefoot? Nah, you’re alright, pal.”
Anyway, none of this detracts from the magnificent start Nuno Espirito Santo’s side have made to the season.
Forest are eighth in the table, only outside the top seven on goal difference and, with fans dusting off their passports, all the talk in Nottingham this week has been of the ‘E’ word. Expectorate.
Partnership news now and Fulham have announced their new Official Tequila Partner (their capitals, not ours).
Tequila Enemigo have joined forces with the club in what is being called an “historic appointment” with Fulham becoming the first Premier League team to partner with a tequila brand.
Enemigo will be the only tequila served at Craven Cottage as the firm corners the lucrative tequila-drinking market of match-going football supporters.
Rumours that fans will be encouraged to play a drinking game during matches, consisting of them downing a shot of tequila every time Adama Traore goes through on goal and spurns a one-on-one, are unconfirmed.
Either way, London Ambulance Service has pledged to triple its staff numbers at the stadium.
There was an interesting window into Wolves head coach Gary O’Neil’s psyche when he used an analogy for what he believes could be subconscious refereeing bias towards bigger clubs like Manchester City.
“I might be miles off, but if I had to upset someone in a street and there was a little guy and a big guy, I’m upsetting a little guy,” the Wolves manager remarked in his post-match press conference. “Nothing against little guys.”
Well, we’re sorry, Gary, but at 5ft 8in (173cm) and therefore two inches below the average height of a UK man, you are the little guy. And therefore it would make absolutely no sense whatsoever for you to pick on lofty Peter Crouch-esque types in this convoluted street-based scenario.
The question lingers, though: which strangers is he having to upset in the street and why? Is he practising his shouting at fourth officials routine? Answers on a postcard.
Former Liverpool and England goalkeeper David James handed out some life lessons on Sunday.
David James turned into the villain as he saved TWO penalties from a young fan at half-time yesterday 😮🧤 pic.twitter.com/9j33DQk5FX
— Sky Sports Premier League (@SkySportsPL) October 21, 2024
Some kid just wanted to score in front of The Kop at half-time, but James wasn’t having that one bit and channelled his inner Chris Finch from The Office: “Now, let that be a lesson to ya. Respect your elders and do not f*** with the big boys.”
Like Springsteen, Born to Run, the Anfield branch.
The Liverpool Echo tracked down the lad’s father, who said his son had tears in his eyes “but it’s a lesson to learn also”.
It was all a bit reminiscent of an ex-Liverpool team mate’s similar refusal to let kids dream they might be good at something.
Well done David, he’s 13.
Finally, you may recall Horndean’s pasty-gobbling manager Michael Birmingham’s forthright comments in last week’s Row Z after his team’s 4-0 defeat against Raynes Park Vale.
Birmingham mildly questioned his team’s attitude (“they don’t give a s***”) and gently expressed a desire that the players think long and hard about their performance (“I just hope our players have got plenty of Sudocrem at home because they’ve had their a***s slapped”).
Well Row Z loves a feelgood news story and we can report Birmingham was in a much happier mood after Horndean bounced back with a 4-2 victory over Rayners Lane.
We should all be eternally grateful he chose to put it on his head.
(Top photo: Evangelos Marinakis; Michael Steele/Getty Images)
