Welcome to the eighth edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
What’s your idea of romance? A weekend in Paris, the city of love? A walk in a leafy, sun-kissed park with your loved one, holding hands and gazing longingly into each other’s eyes? Purchasing the playing rights of a fifth-division German club and changing the name, stadium, nickname and kit to align with the brand of your multi-billion pound energy drinks company?
“I’m a football romantic,” Jurgen Klopp told Marca in 2017. “I like tradition in football and all that stuff.”
Yep, all that stuff. Oh, Jurgen.
Anyway, Klopp’s first task as head of global soccer at Red Bull might be to take a close look at goings on at Red Bull Salzburg, champions of the Austrian Bundesliga from 2014 to 2023 but a club who have suffered a disastrous start to the season.
They lost 4-0 at home against Brest in the Champions League last week, followed by a 5-0 thrashing away at Sturm Graz. They’re fifth in the league and 34th in the Champions League.
Their manager? Klopp’s former Liverpool assistant Pep Ljinders. Awks.
Saudi Arabia manager Roberto Mancini isn’t too happy with the amount of game time his players are getting in the Saudi Pro League.
“I’ve said this many times,” Mancini, who resigned as manager of Italy two weeks before taking the apparently altogether more stimulating Saudi job, told a press conference this week. “This is the only problem that we have, because three years ago all the Saudi players played every game.
“Today? 50, 60 per cent don’t play in the game.”
Annoying isn’t it, all the big-name overseas talent being drawn to Saudi Arabian football by astronomical wages and taking positions that could otherwise be filled by Saudi natives.
In completely unrelated news, Mancini’s reported annual salary for managing the national team? £21.5 million.
Ally McCoist is rumoured to be heading to the jungle to take part in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. Mick McCarthy was also rumoured to be taking part a few weeks ago.
McCoist and McCarthy doing a bushtucker trial… it’s a truly tantalising prospect that any football fan can surely get behind.
McCoist: “I am here to tell you that I’ve just eaten a kangaroo’s anus, by the way!”
McCarthy: “You are out of your mind if you think I’m eating one of them ‘Coisty.
McCoist: “B******s.”
McCarthy: “Eh up, I’m serious.”
McCoist: “No that’s the next course. Oh, that’s crunchy, it really is. Oh, it’s absolutely salty, by the way. Mick, I’ve got to say, this is worse than losing to England at Wembley, it really is.”
Ipswich Town defender Axel Tuanzebe’s unfortunate thumb-based, washing-up-based injury brought about one of the most unexpected headlines of the season in The Sun: “Premier League star and Hungry Hippos world champ ‘almost loses his THUMB while doing washing up in freak accident’”.
You may be well aware of Tuanzebe’s hippopotamus-based exploits, but if you aren’t then Tuanzebe cleared a Hungry Hungry Hippos board in 17.36 seconds back in 2018 to set a world record.
Who else in football is good at family board games?
Well, there’s Monopoly, a game about expanding your ownership empire and making money in any circumstances possible. Current world champions — Manchester City.
What about Twister, where contorting your body in unnatural positions to win favour with judges helps you win the game? Neymar, of course.
Cards Against Humanity, i.e. concoct the most outlandish and amusing statements to please the audience? Roy Keane.
And Snakes and Ladders, a series of never-ending ups and downs? That’ll be Manchester United (Football Club).
Isn’t it about time someone highlighted the obscene amounts of money being spent by some clubs in League One these days?
When you’ve got clubs spending up to £25million ($32.6m) in the summer window it really needs calling out.
Step forward, Birmingham City boss Chris Davies, speaking after their first defeat of the season at the weekend at Charlton Athletic.
“Charlton have spent a fortune, they’ve spent a lot of money on their squad and they’re a good team,” he said. “There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s multiple teams in this league that are well equipped to be successful. We’re one of those teams.”
Well said, Chris, good on ya.
No matter how old you are, prepare to feel older.
Not only did Ashley Young’s son Tyler make his professional debut this week during Peterborough’s EFL Trophy victory over Stevenage, but Djibril Cisse’s lad also made his bow for Notts County in the same competition.
Cisse’s name? Cassius Clay Cisse, of course, which surely he has to change to Muhammad Ali Cisse when he properly breaks into the first team.
The most “But I Won the Ball Ref” tackle of the season so far came during Rednal Bilbao against Rubery Athletico in the FA Sunday Cup on, well, Sunday.
Red Card Or Not? What you saying people 💭 @RednalBilbaoFC @RuberyAth #fasundaycup pic.twitter.com/A0AdTyJENA
— Sunday League Settings #MrSLS (@_MrSLS) October 7, 2024
And we end this week in Scotland where Hearts striker Lawrence Shankland has been copping a bit of stick from opposition fans over his weight.
That’s nothing new for Shankland, who openly admits he certainly was overweight many years ago at Aberdeen where him and his flat mates were the “curly fries kings”.
Terrace jibes have followed Shankland throughout his career, who told the Edinburgh Evening News he wouldn’t need to play football anymore if he “had a hundred quid for every chorus of; ‘You fat b******’”.
And he wins quote of the week for this, when talking about chants that Aberdeen fans dished out during the game against Hearts last weekend: “It’s part of football. I dish it out so you need to take it on the chin — or in this case, chins.”
(Top photo: Alvaro Medranda/Eurasia Sport Images/Getty Images)
